


Alive

by kayethespade



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, F/M, Fluff, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 18:22:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10859529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayethespade/pseuds/kayethespade
Summary: Garrus dies after the Archangel mission. Alicia Shepard tries to deal with her best friend's death.





	1. Chapter 1

"No! Garrus!"

Her voice was high and screeched with indignation and fear and an undefinable emotion better left untouched until a later date. Would there even be a later date for such consideration? Alicia slid over to the cover with an autopilot precision. She felt hot tears running down her cheeks and finished off the gunship with her shotgun. It fell loose from her hands as the ship exploded with a satisfying boom.

Alicia knelt again, leaning close to Garrus as Miranda and Zaeed gathered. She couldn't hear them for a moment. Her ears focused on his lack of breathing. No. He couldn't be gone. He couldn't leave her to face this all alone. She prayed to a god she didn't see in death that he would breathe. Blink. Something. Anything.

Her morbid thoughts were interupted by a gasping breath in. "Garrus!" She reached for his hand and squeezed hard, trying to keep him there. Tether him to reality. Alicia didn't hear her crew. Miranda applied some medigel, but the moments passing by felt numbed. As though the medigel had affected her as well. "Come on, Garrus. Just hold on." She took a deep breath and forced herself back into mission mode with a stiff crack of her neck. Alicia looked up at her squad.

"We need to get him to Dr. Chakwas as soon as possible. We keep to alleyways and shadows. No heroics, clear?" she ordered.

"Clear," the pair responded in stereo.

"I'll keep him in a biotic field until we get to the Normandy. Miranda: I need you monitoring his vitals. Anything drops, you tell me. Zaeed: Alert me if anyone so much as looks at us wrong," Alicia added with a resolute stomp of her boot as she stood again. They nodded in turn, and carefully, Alicia used her biotics to pick him up.

Her mind stayed blank until they were back to the docking bay. Each breath was conscious, and her heart beat against her ears. Alicia couldn't look at the glow of her biotics. Not with knowing what she carried. Mordin and Chakwas took him from her the moment she arrived. Alicia leaned forwards with her hands on her knees, trying to get her brain to work again. She couldn't process and needed to be alone, but not without one housekeeping thing.

Alicia clapped her hands on Miranda and Zaeed's shoulders. "Thank you," she said with that confident smile to make it seem as though she didn't want to immediately collapse. With that, she scampered to the elevator and up to her quarters and finally, with a heaving sob into her hands, broke.

It wasn't her fault. She could try to convince herself of that, but it wasn't going to work. Her best friend was close to death, and she'd been able to do nothing. She could have taken the gunship down faster. They could have made a break for it. Who would have followed them? No, that was irrational. Anyone would have followed them. It had to end there.

She'd missed Garrus having her six. He was ruthlessly efficient. Careful. Calculating. It was fun to watch him work. The moments in between never felt like work with him around. He was never in it for the carnage. Most of the time. She'd wanted to hear the full story. Now she might never get the chance.

Alicia hated Cerberus. She hated the feeling of always being watched. Like at any moment she might go rogue. That wasn't to say she didn't feel like it most days. She did. Especially with Miranda looking over her shoulder. The rest of the crew seemed so nice, but she couldn't help but feel like they were there to lull her into a false sense of security. They probably were.

Doctor Chakwas. She was capable. More than capable. She was brilliant. If anyone could keep him alive, it was her. There'd be no telling about his condition, but if Garrus lived, that would be enough.

With shaking hands, Alicia wrote out her report. It was something to keep her hands busy, but her mind wandered down a floor and into the medbay. She nearly sprinted to the elevator when Jacob told her that there were updates about Garrus' condition.

Alicia tried to tone down her nerves as she entered the conference room, but the only way to dispel the nervous energy was bouncing on the balls of her feet. That turned out to be incredibly distracting. She calmed herself and stood across from Jacob. She expectantly gestured for her to give her the news.

"Commander: Doctor Chakwas and Doctor Solus did everything they could for Garrus. I apologize for your loss. I understand that Garrus was a dear friend of your," Jacob said. He refused to look her in the eye.

Something in Alicia went numb. She heard the words that came next from somewhere far away. Somewhere outside of herself. "Let me see him. Please."

Jacob looked up at her. Her eyes were devoid of feeling. "He's still in the medbay."

Alicia marched to the elevator with her head hung grimly. She heard her yeoman trying to get her attention, but the doors closed with a quiet thud. She stared straight ahead, as though she was on autopilot. Without a sideward glance, she headed straight for the medbay. Her nails dug into her palms Doctor Chakwas didn't look up at her as she entered.

"Neither of us can save everyone, can we?"

Alicia nodded. She stepped forwards and took the doctor into her arms. After a slight hesitation, Chakwas hugged back, sobbing quietly into her shoulder. They parted and each turned to Garrus' body.

"What killed him?" Alicia asked. Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"You couldn't have done anything differently, Commander. It was bad luck."

"No. No, I could have done something," she said, a little stronger. Chakwas took her hand.

"Blood loss and infection, Shepard. That was what killed him. You didn't."

Alicia shook her head. She took notice of Garrus' visor, seemingly intact. She gently removed it from his slack face. Alicia read the names roughly engraved on the inside. These must have been his squad. One of them was burned away. Betrayal. One of them was hers.

Her eyes threatened to spill over again. Alicia took a deep breath.

"EDI, can you find any relatives of every name on this visor?"

EDI paused longer than normal before answering. "Of course, Shepard. You have an email sharing the last name of one of those names at your private terminal."

Shepard rushed to her cabin's email terminal without a word back at Chakwas. She opened the email with her jaw clenched.

"From: Nalah Butler

Commander Shepard,

My husband was one of the men serving on Garrus' team. I don't know how much Garrus talked to you about what happened. I don't know the specifics myself, only that my husband died in a trap set by those bastard gangs. I know Garrus blames himself; he took every shot fired at his squad as a failure on his part, and it was clear when he sent me the message about my husband that he thinks it was his fault.

My husband would never have wanted that. He was proud of the work he did on Garrus' squad. He was taking back Omega from the gangs. He died fighting with honor. I miss him. God, I'd give anything to have him back. But whatever happened there wasn't Garrus' fault.

You're his commander now. Please, if you can, help him stop blaming himself. And please don't tell him that I sent you this. Thank you.

-Nalah Butler."

Alicia cried into her hands. Her breath was gone and she was suffocating under her grief. She saw another message pop up on her terminal. Kelly Chambers.

"Shepard,

I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. Grief. Regret. Anger. I don't know what all you associate with a perceived failure on your part. I can only advise you to strive on, as you have always done, but that isn't exactly the advice you need to hear. His killers are dead, but there is no doubt that you still desire vengeance. Rightfully so.

Stay kind, Alicia. Stop to rest, then continue on to fight the good fight. I hope that you will heal well, but I am always here if you need to talk.

-Yeoman Kelly."

Alicia wiped her eyes at the end of the message. She clenched her fist, her heart growing cold. "Fight the good fight? There are no good fights."

The visor was still loosely grasped in her hand. Alicia took a seat at her work bench and went about reworking the frame until it fit well on her head. She took it off to admire her work. The names caught her eye. She carefully smoothed over her name. Her hands shook, but eventually, she carved something in for herself. A reminder. A friend.

"Garrus Vakarian."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane asks about Alicia's visor.

Thane was different. Of course, most of her crew was different. That was the problem. Still, he didn't feel like a problem. He was a man waiting to die, and the peace surrounding him felt almost comforting. Was that the word for the waves of calm that washed over her as the door to life support shut behind her?

Alicia sat across from him without a word. He didn't look up, likely deep in prayer or thought. She smiled briefly before setting down the two mugs of tea on the table between them. When his eyes met hers, he startled a little. She looked concerned, but he reached across to hold her hand.

"I've been meaning to ask, siha, but what purpose does your visor serve?" he asked.

Cold squeezed her heart. She couldn't look him in the eyes.

"I see. It is from a former lover?"

Alicia's face snapped up. "No! No. Nothing like that. Just...I'm sure the crew have told you about Garrus."

He shook his head. "They have not, but I believe I have heard of him. He was in your old crew?"

"Yes. We were very good friends. Maybe I was thinking about something more, but...it never came to fruition. And now he's gone. So I wear his visor. With each and every name from his squad on Omega. Plus his," Alicia explained.

"You miss him." It wasn't a question. She smiled bitterly.

"I couldn't save him, Thane. If I could have, he'd be here right now."

"You've been mourning him this entire time? I hurt for you," he said. Alicia touched a hand to her face and realized that tears had slipped through. She'd learned to steel herself to grief until the work was done, but the work had dragged on for three months, and she was tired.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm usually so good at acting unaffected. Call it a version of your battle sleep if you will," she chuckled.

"Ah. I believe we are alike in blaming ourselves for the deaths of our loved ones."

Alicia took a sip of her tea. "The difference being that I'd already killed his murderers before he died. It didn't bring peace."

"Quite the opposite?" he teased.

"Heh. Quite the opposite." She paused. "He had the best jokes. And I would have loved to see a sniping competition between the two of you. As much as everyone hated it, he loved learning about other peoples' cultures. He wasn't the most restrained person when I knew him, but two years can change a person. He...really took what I had to say about mercy to heart."

"Perhaps you should heed your own advice." His hand reached other to trace one of her scars down her jaw with his thumb. She winced. "Doctor Chakwas has told me they stay raw because of harsh action."

"I have tried to do better, but...I'm so angry at the world that took my friend away from me."

"Your friend, but you saw him as more, siha," he said. "You are angry for your lost love."

"Any sage wisdom?" Alicia pulled her face away from his hand. He let the hand fall to gently clasp her shoulder.

"Live."

"Like you?" She hadn't meant for her words to hurt so close to home. The way his eyes closed to avoid hers made her heart clench. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean-"

Thane squeezed her hand. "It is alright. Battle sleep wasn't living. Isn't, in your case."

"It feels familiar. Enduring anger, I mean. Like an old friend," she sighed. He opened his eyes and tilted his head in question. "I grew up on Earth with no parents and a gang to raise me until I was fifteen. They were not the nurturing sort. Work to eat. Violent work when necessary. It was nearly always necessary."

"You enlisted at eighteen, correct? What happened in the intermediary?" Thane asked.

Alicia smiled. "An old woman paid my bail for petty theft on the condition that I would come work for her smuggling medical supplies and food into hostile slums. I agreed. She gave me a family for the first time in my life." She met his eyes.

"She taught you to be who you were before he died," he concluded.

"Mariá Sanchez. I told her I'd come back when I got Alliance training. Help in any way I could. Then the Blitz. Suddenly, I was some big hero that everyone saluted as I passed. I couldn't go back anymore," she said.

"And then you met your squad."

"I had a singular purpose, but I wanted to make peace where I could. At least for a little while. And my ragtag group of people, my people? They felt like family. And now two are dead. One won't talk to me. One I fell out of love with. And one is off doing who knows what trying to help her people," Alicia ranted. She took a deep breath. "So forgive me if I'm angry. I'm trying to do better. For every single one of them, I'm trying to do better."

"Siha. You are braver than I could ever have imagined."

Alicia pulled away a little. "Drink your tea before it gets cold. I hope I didn't make it for nothing." Her toothy grin kept her words from seeming too cold. He smiled coyly before taking a long sip.

"You did not. It is lovely."

She rolled her eyes and drank the rest of her tea. One of her hands stayed in his. She vaguely felt his thumb rubbing over her scabbed over knuckles. They'd be bleeding again in a few days, but the gesture seemed oddly familiar.

"You surely have more productive things you could be doing, Alicia," Thane teased.

"Nothing to do until we reach the Citadel in a few hours. I can worry about that then," she said. "For now, I'm going to sit right here and enjoy the time I have with you. And there's nothing you can do about it."

Regret flashed across Thane's eyes for a moment, but eventually, he lifted her hand to his lips, giving the back a small kiss. "Then I will be thankful for the time you have bestowed upon me."

Alicia felt heat coming to her cheeks and thanked the Lord that it didn't show up as a blush very well. The hand not in hers cupped her cheek softly. She flushed even harder. Thane leaned over the table to kiss her other cheek. She closed her eyes against him in frustration.

"You're terrible. I hope you know that," she mumbled.

"I will never apologize for making you feel loved."

Alicia grinned. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say you loved me. Just so you can take it back if you like."

"Why would I ever?"

She opened her mouth to respond but immediately closed it again. She didn't see the chaste kiss to her lips coming. When he leaned back again, Alicia shook her head with a sheepish smile.

"I'm sorry you've fallen for me, Thane."

"I am not."


End file.
